I didn’t set my alarm last night. It was Friday night and I was tired. ‘Well, if I wake up in time for yoga, great, if not, ok.’  I did wake up in time. I fed the dogs and Pony the hungry cat, gathered up my towel and mat and rolled disappointedly down the road. Disappointed because my publisher had very kindly rejected my latest children’s book proposal yesterday.  The disappointment and self belittling had followed me the rest of day. I am really really good at self criticism. Let me tell you.. nah, I’ll spare us all.

Yoga. I love my yoga teacher, but I like subs. I get to hear a new voice, new pace, new instruction, meditations, even moves sometimes. There was a sub today, Marilyn. She teaches rehab yoga. Good, my back needs it from grooming Andy last night. Well, might as well groom a poodle – I’m a really lousy artist and loser writer and no one will ever publish another book and I’ll have to work at Kinko’s.

Time to loosen the kinko’s.

While we laid on our backs, breathing through our nose, she began talking. I followed faithfully (dog girl that I am) her song. Ok, she wasn’t singing, but it felt as sweet as any lull-abye. Soothing, reassuring, like a hand on my shoulder. I breathed. She sang. “Let go of criticism, competition and expectation.” Marilyn, what  a great idea! And on she went, and on I followed until I was singing right along with her. Inside, going further into my belly and heart.  I live in my limbs way too much. Stretching daily, it is my legs and arms that starfish out. This morning, it was an inner stretch, pooling, eddying, releasing, rushing river white water river to lake to stream to ocean, a wave, a shhhhh to shore. Still. Quiet. Voice.

On our backs again for the last, Marilyn repeated — “criticism, competition, expectation. Gratitude. Find the gift in a challenge. My biggest challenge these days is losing my friend Andrea. The gift in this challenge? I am with her, daily. I hear her, see her more than I have in years. I once wrote to a friend, “grief is our best friend.” Even grief can be a gift. Let go of criticism, competition and expectation. Find the gift. Be grateful. Right now. Breathe it out.

PS I figured Marilyn to be in her early 60s. She is 73. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

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